February Guinness World Records - I don't know why

Maybe this winter is getting long for everyone, but it definitely has been too long for some people aching to get into the Guinness Book of World Records — those folks have been out in droves recently.

UPI reported Monday that David Rush of Idaho dramatically recaptured his Guinness World Record for the number of CDs thrown into a bucket with a 12-inch opening. Rush set the new standard for CD-tossing to a record-breaking 50 CDs sunk in one minute. And he did it to help promote STEM education. I don’t see the connection, but he won. What a Rush. (See what I did there?)

All joking aside, Michael Andretti of Formula One racing fame — his own and the Andretti family — temporarily came out of semi-retirement to break two Guinness World Records Feb. 2 in Ridgefield, Washington, the website Clarkcountytoday.com reported.

In a display of skill and endurance, Andretti shattered both speed and distance records, traveling precisely 349.81 feet at speed of 17.08 mph down a six-story parking garage ramp in a 669 pound car made almost entirely out of cake.

That’s right, Andretti can add to his titles list 2021 Guinness World Record holder of fastest edible car and the longest distance covered by an edible car. Ever.

My gawd, what a rush that record-breaking win must’ve been. The frosting peeling away as the cake car tapped the sidewalls in the sharp turns. The adrenaline surge as the wind whipped his eyes to tears. The roar of the crowd at the finish line.

How proud he must’ve felt as the cake portion, which totaled 91 percent of the entire vehicle, was taken to a non-profit that helps feed the hungry and homeless. The donation was made by celebrity cake artist Mike Elder, who designed, baked and built the car, and the owners of ilani, a Ridgefield casino.

The cake car was decorated to look like Andretti’s own IndyCar National Championship race car, and the record-breaking cake run was arranged to celebrate the grand-opening of ilani’s state-of-the-art parking garage.

It must’ve been the most exhilarating 13.964 seconds in cake car racing history.

By contrast, UPI reported Feb. 5, Norwegian runner Jonas Felde Sevaldrud took a more leisurely 1 hour, 44 minutes and 58 seconds to break the Guinness World Record for running a half-marathon in the snow. Barefoot. Without shoes. In the snow — did I mention that already?

I know! I’m gobsmacked, too, that he didn’t run the 13.1 miles faster than that. He was barely faster than the average regular half-marathon racing time of 1:55:26. I’m, like, c’mon, you’re barefoot in the snow and you don’t want to run faster than 7.49 mph?

I guess this is a classic example of how people don’t necessarily respond well to negative reinforcement. There was no mention of a cake in the article. My guess is that Sevaldrud would have run faster if, rather than running on snow, he ran on cake — or at least for a piece or two of cake to eat at the end.

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You know who should’ve gotten some kind of Guinness record instead of a criminal record? The woman who was sentenced in New Zealand for trying to smuggle 947 succulents and cacti through airport security by taping the plants to her body. That’s gotta be some kind of record, right? At http://www.facebook.com/Viewfromthenorth40 .