View from the North 40: The scariest Halloween event … ever

I thought that this era — when all our embarrassing, stupid stunts get filmed, posted on the internet and commented on by uncharitable strangers — was enough to make me glad that I grew up in another age, but now I’ve discovered the new Halloween tradition of “trunk or treating.”

I don’t know if I could possibly be any sadder for all the little candy grubbers of modern America.

Trunk or treating — for those of you who don’t know, as I didn’t until this week — is a Halloween event or gathering in which candy-givers and candy-takers all drive their vehicles to a prearranged location, such as a large parking lot. The givers park roughly in the same area, put out decorations around their vehicles and, for a prearranged period of time, hand out candy to the children driven to the event by their parents.

The candy-takers, aka kids dressed in costume, walk from parked vehicle to parked vehicle “trick or treating.” I don’t know if some kind of rule exists requiring that the givers actually have to dispense candy from a car trunk or if that’s more a figure of speech to make the catchy trunk or treating phrase. Either way, this couldn’t get much weirder.

Sure, I am certain this activity is based on some type of sound logic, and I’m also certain that I am clearly about to anger some well-meaning people because I have to say: Trunk or treating is the laziest thing I have heard of in a long time. And I know a lot about lazy.

People have to load up all their candy and all their decorations into their car, drive to the trunk or treat place and spend the next however many hours out in the cold to give someone else candy. Then they have to load everything back up, drive home and unload, again, before they get to relax and warm up.

What?

The families? They roll up, throw the car doors open and watch their kids walk in a little circle, stopping every 10 feet at an open trunk to get a treat, and then leave in, what, 15 minutes.

That’s Halloween?

The kids hit a handful of these trunk or treats in under an hour and have been home long enough to get settled into their sugar coma for the night, while the parents are well into their trick or drinking happy hour — OK, maybe that last part is just my family — but the point is they all got home and happy a few hours before the people giving them candy.

What in the what!?

I get that traditional trick or treating has its hazards, but that’s where you learn valuable life lessons.

If the kids get cold, well next year pick a costume that’s snowsuit compatible. That teaches them to understand consequences and think ahead.

If they get bullied, well that’s how they learn the buddy system, pairing up big kids with little kids. The littles get more candy for their cuteness and the bigs get some of that surplus for offering protection.

If the traffic is a hazard, well that’s what raw eggs were made for. I guarantee you if those kids start pelting the bad drivers with raw eggs they’ll slow down. Sure they might stop and get out, but they aren’t going to pursue some fleet-footed kids through a barrage of back-tossed egg missiles.

I predict that if this trunk or treating business continues it will herald the end of Halloween.

This is how it will go down. Someone’s going to start wondering why they’re standing out in the cold handing out candy, and a parent is going to say, “I know, I can’t believe I had to drive these little monkeys down here. Can’t you just drive by my house next year?”

So the next year the candy-givers drive around tossing candy out their car windows to kids who come out in the street. Then someone thinks the kids shouldn’t be near the moving cars, so the givers have to bring candy-runners to take the candy to the kids, and then to the doors because just going out to the sidewalks is just too too much. But then it’s annoying that the candy-takers have to keep getting up to answer the door to accept candy, so the givers are asked to organize into a parade of cars that go through neighborhoods giving the candy out all at once.

Nice, but ohmigawd, the runners have no respect — the parents are sure they stole some lawn ornaments and trampled the hedge. That’s the end of home delivery.

But it’s not quite the end of Halloween — just the cold death of the spirit of Halloween.

The next year, the parents buy a bag of candy for their kid, and as it gets dark enough to hit the streets (y’know, in theory), they toss the bag of candy to their kid and say, “Smile for Instagram. Now go get started on your sugar coma, mama’s got a pumpkin-spiced margarita to scare up.” Happy Halloween.

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Trunk or treating … I am outraged. Plus, doesn’t it seem just a little bit like they’re being taught how a drug deal goes down at http://www.facebook.com/viewfromthenorth40 .