View from the North 40: Like I said before 'meh fwote huhwts'

My purpose here today is simply to explain to you why the tonsils are the stupidest organ in the human body.

I know this comes as a shock to everyone who thinks that title belongs to the appendix but, with all due respect, that internal organ must settle for second place.

Sure the appendix just sits in your belly, uselessly dangling there like a wart on the nose of the large intestine, until it gets an infection and has to be removed. Some appendixes never even bother to do that much.

I will grant you that the appendix is the laziest organ in the body, but for stupid, look to the tonsils.

For all of the history of mankind, until about five decades ago, the tonsils were thought to be pointless — unless our prehistoric ancestors thought they were collectors of bad spirits or something. I can see how they would make that assumption.

According to “A Brief History of Tonsillectomy” by João Flávio Nogueira Jr., and associates, on the website International Archives of Otorhinolaryngology, which all sounds really official, Hindu literature from 3,000 years ago says tonsils were being surgically removed way back then. And the first scientific description of the surgical removal of the tonsils was written in the 1st century B.C.

That’s a long time ago.

That right there means people believed the tonsils were stupid even before they believed Christ was the son of God. That’s some serious stuff.

Over the ensuing centuries, various techniques were developed for removing the tonsils — surgeries, ointments, oils, corrosive formulas. In the Middle Ages, surgeons tied strings around the tonsils and tightened the strings daily until the tonsils fell off. Imagine how much, and how long, that hurt.

Specialized tools for tonsil removal were developed way back in the 1500s, and medical people perfected those tools through the centuries because doctors knew tonsils are so stupid we’re better off without them.

They killed George Washington, y’know. They did. Look it up. Stupid kills … and yet, 50 years ago the grand modern medical establishment decided to operate off the theory that tonsils can’t be stupid, pointless bulbs of killer tissue.

Every organ deserves a chance to prove its worth, they said. We would like to think they’re “infection fighters.”

My stupid older brother got his stupid tonsils taken out just before I was born because he got stupid tonsil infections, but just in time for me to come along with my stupid tonsil infections and it was like tonsils all of a sudden had a lobbyist or some PETA-for-tonsils organization rallying the surgeons.

I got strep throat twice a year, plus random bouts of tonsillitis — often associated with being in a building heated by electric baseboard heat. Roughly five decades and more than 100 sore throats later, I still get tonsillitis twice a year and when I’m around electric heat. The medical establishment threw me under the stupid tonsil bus.

Tonsillitis every spring and fall and when around electric heat are very specific, non-random-“oh I just collected up an infection I’m going to beat up” times. My stupid tonsils aren’t fighting infection, they’re creating it.

But the doctors’ battle cry was: “We won’t participate in the cruel destruction of innocent tonsils any longer!” And “Hell, no, tonsils won’t go!”

“Look, Mr. and Mrs. Burke,” the doctors said. “Your darling daughter only gets strep throat twice a year and the random bouts of tonsillitis are now considered to be nothing. That’s well within the acceptable tolerance for retaining her tonsils. We think they might not be stupid. We’re just wondering anyways if they might somehow fight off infection. Besides all of us grownups have our tonsils safely removed, so we’re more than willing to experiment, hedge our bets if you will, on the children of your daughter’s generation. She’s tough. She’ll do fine. Pay the lady out front.”

Thus I was sent out into world to fight my tonsils’ stupid infections. Know what else is stupid? A grown adult, with responsibilities and commitments, sitting at home, missing work on a week day, unable to sleep or to swallow without pain because she has a sore throat.

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Or as I like to say, it’s a “sowah fwote” at pam@viewfromthenorth40.com.