View from the North 40: A kilogram by any other measurement

In a world where it seems the only thing humanity has in common is our divisiveness, scientists from around the globe have met and shown the world that people of the human race come together in one voice to tell the world they can accurately measure the weight of their nerdiness.

It’s the astounding news you likely A) didn’t know happened, and B) didn’t know affected your everyday life: Scientific and policy-making representatives from more than 60 nations voted unanimously Friday to redefine the definition of a kilogram.

This monumental moment has been reported by news agencies around the world and even the Wikipedia page has been updated, so we know it’s big news.

Here it is, the kilogram will no longer be based on a precisely calibrated hunk of precious metal, but rather defined using the Planck constant which is somehow based on an observable constant in nature involving time, distance and weight.

I’m gonna back up here and tell you that historically, and I mean that literally, all kilogram scales have been calibrated to a cylinder, about 1 ½-inch tall, by 1 ½-inch wide, made of a platinum-iridium alloy, that represents an exact kilogram. The cylinder, called the International Prototype Kilogram or, affectionately, Le Grande K, was made in 1889, but was based on one made in the 1700s.

Did that just blow your mind? I thought the metric system was some kind of new math created by the Brits just to mess with America.

But, no, the metric system is old, and Le Grande K itself was made the same year my grandniece’s great-great-great grandmother, Emily Kis, was born. I knew Grandma Emily and she was a tough woman who lived a big life and went out swinging at 103 years old. Le Grande K? Has been kept under glass, locked in a vault and drug out every 40 years to compare it to its sister cylinders and it was still getting wonky.

Le Grande K apparently sheds atoms like dead skin cells and the little perfect kilograms were starting to vary in weight so the science-y people said, “We can’t have this. All other measurements are based on natural, observable laws, we are going to fix this nonsense.” Well, they said it in nerd-speak with big words and long sentences, but that’s the translation.

And they all agreed on it and The Associated Press said everyone cheered and a few people wept.

The Washington Post article says, one “scientist grinned, sheepish. ‘It’s an emotional moment,’ he said. ‘I’m just really proud of our species.’”

If we can be proud of our species, I’m buying into it.

Starting on my birthday in 2019, we will use math to calculate the kilogram by factoring seconds, which are calculated by rotation of radiation atoms; meters, which are units based on the distance light travels in a fraction of a second; very specific temperatures and forces of atmosphere; and things it would take a scientist of some caliber with some very expensive instruments to witness in nature because I just don’t see it.

All I know is that on May 20 if you want to know how much I weigh I’ll be able to tell you that it’s the subatomic half-life of a light year, minus one-billionth of the force of air I’m using to blow out the candles, to the fifth power of the hot flash I’m having.

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I hope that helps at [email protected].