Out Our Way: Losing weight

Out our way, winter is usually a time of less activity for both Doc and me. But it is not a time of less feed and by spring we both find we have trouble with cinch and belt.

More than once, as I saddled up for that first ride in the spring, I found we both had somewhat expanded girth. I also found that my stomach was sometimes getting in the way when I tried to raise my foot up into the stirrup. But most of all, it was the look Doc gave me when I tried to swing up and the “oof” sound he sometimes made when I finally got aboard.

However, we both needed to get back in shape as we lost that excess baggage over the spring, summer and fall. Indeed I believe we both felt better and enjoyed the ride and the work. We seemed to find that balance of weight and muscle that allowed us to really do what we were both meant to do up on the Tiger Ridge and in the Bear Paws.

Lately, I have been reading a book titled “Voices of Silence” by Frank Bianco, a book about life amongst the Trappist monks in the USA. In my reading I was challenged by some statements by “Brother Mac” about the problem of “weight” — i.e. excess baggage — in one’s daily life. While in Colorado years ago, I began going to retreats at St. Benedict’s Monastery in Snowmass, Colorado. Like many others who also went for retreats with the monks in the Rockies, I found I got a spiritual lift for the week of retreat I tried to spend every year. I also now begin to realize it was largely due to the fact that the monastic life is one that focuses on “dumping the excess baggage” of daily life and seeks that balance where spiritual energy and muscle can develop and grow.

As a pastor and, at that time, a married man, I knew the monastic life was not for me — although I did become a lay monk, a “Benedictine Oblate” — and attempted to keep some of what I learned in the mountains with the Trappists in my daily life. Sadly, I often did, and still do, get lazy and forget what I learned — especially about the “extra weight” I started carrying both on inside and out.

Over the years, I have managed to lose a great deal of the body weight, going from 245 to 188 in the past five years, but the “fat” in my spirit has remained. Especially now after retirement, for I begin to discover so much of my past life was made up by what I was and not who. And I slowly began to realize that is where the “fat” on on my soul is located.

Brother Mac described the issue all novice monks — and many professed ones — have to face time and again: the reality that God doesn’t care what you are, but is only interested in the who. And until I get focused on simply being who I am, as God created me, the excess baggage of my identity as a what — pastor, husband, writer, cowhand, etc. — will weigh me down.

I also have begun to realize that the present dark times — the ex leaving, my retirement, the numerous illnesses of late, etc. — may be the way God is helping me lose that weight. Painful, yes, but maybe necessary, for I am no longer any of those things I used to be — but I am still me. The problem is, the excess weight of focusing on my outward identity may have hidden much of me from myself! And maybe others, as well.

Brother Mac also noted that we can’t force God to show us ourselves or where He will lead us next, we can only focus on discovering ourselves for ourselves and waiting for God to show us the trail. That has helped me deal with my sense of frustration over both a seeming lack of direction or purpose these past months. Patience is not my strong suit — and it took weeks and months of persistent effort for Doc and me to lose that weight and come into our own. I remember that as I start my spiritual “weight loss” program.

Blessings,

Brother John Bruington