The opening salvos from the animal army

As I’ve said before, I’m not much of a conspiracy buff, mostly because you have to keep track of so many details and care very deeply and madly about stuff, and I’m all, “Bleh, this is just crazy talk. I’m gonna go watch funny cat videos on Youtube.”

Sometimes, though, I look at the headlines and I think the animal kingdom is fixing to mount a coordinated effort, an animal war of sorts, to take humans down.

My ongoing coverage of this phenomenon is an attempt to create a permanent record of this hostile takeover for the shreds of humanity still surviving in the future — probably in human zoos.

Within this past week alone:

• Domestic duck spies have infiltrated the Michigan suburb of Georgetown Township by befriending an autistic boy, Dylan. The boy’s family then fought local government for an ordinance variance to allow the ducks, who are living under the aliases of Bill and Nibbles, to remain with their son.

This is how we end up fighting for our own demise, fighting to invite the enemy in.

• One of a gang of six kangaroos, which had similarly infiltrated South Florida via an animal sanctuary near the town of Jupiter, escaped its enclosure and roamed the area for two days. Local police finally located the kangaroo by using a drone, and the animal was tranquilized and returned to the sanctuary.

It was a risky move on the kangaroo’s part, but the gain was two days of recon of the area and firsthand intel on human technological resources and military tactics.

Well played, ’roos, well played.

• A 3- to 4-foot long alligator has been loose in the streets of New Jersey for at least four days carrying out the same mission.

• A young black bear in Minnesota got its head stuck in a milk can and was subjected to all types of rescue efforts before firemen used the jaws of life to cut it free. A black bear cub in Wisconsin got its head stuck in a hard plastic globe, but it only required bolt cutters to aid in removal.

These two incidents may prove that not all soldiers are destined to be generals, but don’t get complacent over their slapstick efforts.

• Authorities say $18 million worth of cocaine was discovered at a Houston prison, hidden inside a shipment of donated bananas.

That’s right, I’m claiming that monkeys, drug-lord monkeys, have used a contained culture of humans to conduct scientific experiments on controlling humans with drugs. Unlike their bear brethren from the Great Lakes region who may only be destined for KP duty in the animal army, these monkeys are from psy-ops, and they will master psychological torture.

They have opposable thumbs, y’know, and have been filmed using rudimentary tools.

The animal uprising isn’t growing only in America:

• A white Beluga whale, which should be cruising the northern seas, has been running a recon operation on British seaports and inland water access on the River Thames in London this week. And if you think an 18-foot long, shiny, white aquatic animal that has to surface to breathe can’t be on a spy mission because it’s too eye-catching, consider the effectiveness of spies Greta Garbo, Marlene Dietrich, Harry Houdini, Princess Noor, Julia Child and Josephine Baker in WWII.

Humans are too distracted by their own attraction to celebrities to see the danger.

• Case in point is a seal and an octopus who attacked a human off the coast of New Zealand. A man in a kayaking group was admiring a seal that was swimming alongside his watercraft when the seal suddenly, and with the speed only animals can achieve, whipped an honest-to-god, real-life octopus out of the water and smacked the guy in the face with its tentacles. The man’s buddy, a self-described “GoPro content creator” laughed and laughed and posted the video on the internet where it will be viewed by and laughed at by millions of humans who don’t realize the seriousness of the moment.

The seal and octopus not only worked together in an inter-species alliance, but they did so in a way that gave the octopus speed and the seal arms, eight of them, in fact, which is six more than the average human.

Humans watching the video, though, just laugh like it’s a funny-kitten-rolling-a ball-of-yarn video.

We may yet see pigs fly with the aid of eagles, and I hate to see how they weaponize that pairing — not that I’m paranoid or anything.

I prefer the term visionary or prophesier.

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Maybe I am an oracle; we’ll know when the pigs fly at http://www.facebook.com/viewfromthenorth40/.