View from the North 40: Life's a matter of perspective, even the news

While news sources are waging a battle of perspectives in articles about humans — an easy example being: Is Trump crazy like bat guano or crazy like a fox — recent articles about animals have another side, as well.

A Association Press article about a Belleville, Illinois, man who was trying to rescue his parrot but had to be pulled out of the quicksand-like mud himself, had these informative sentences:

“Firefighters had to rescue a southwestern Illinois man from deep mud after he became stuck while trying to reach his pet parrot.”

“The man was in mud up to his waist when crews arrived. Video shows that firefighters had to extend ladders across the mud to help him out — as the parrot remained perched on his shoulders.”

“(Fire Chief Tom) Pour says the man often rides a bike around with the parrot on his shoulder.”

“Neither man nor bird was injured.”

What if the article should read:

Firefighters had to rescue a southwestern Illinois man from deep mud after he became stuck when his pet parrot, lured him into the life-threatening situation.

The man was in mud up to his waist when crews arrived. Video shows that firefighters had to extend ladders across the mud to help him out — as the parrot continued trying to push the man under.

Fire Chief Tom Pour says the man often rides a bike around, while the parrot sits on his shoulder scouting prime locations for his next attempt to kill the human.

Neither man nor bird was injured. Give it time.

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A family in Annandale, Virginia, the AP says, got violently ill from mushrooms they picked outside their apartment complex. County poison control personnel and fire fighters made a search of the area for the mushrooms and confirmed their identity from a photo shared with the family. The mushroom is called the green spored Lepiota — also known as the “vomiter.”

Maybe the article is supposed to read:

Woodland fairies, long known for their mushroom “fairy rings,” confirmed via human testing that they have completed their collection of “Every Purpose Mushrooms,” inspired by the “Every-Flavor Jelly Beans” of Harry Potter fame.

U.S. Food and Drug Administration officials said Woodland Fairies Inc., which holds patents on mushrooms that will make you hallucinate, feed you fresh, sauted and deep-fat fried, and kill you in any of at least three ways, submitted an application for the patented “vomiter” mushroom in advance of the testing.

After the FDA’s exhaustive investigation to ensure the company did all of its own studies to recommend its own mushroom and submitted all the properly signed forms, the FDA required that the mushroom producer change its label to have “may cause death due to extreme dehydration” in much smaller print on the label. Then FDA officials rubber-stamped its approval.

Woodland Fairies representatives said that their data show 100 percent of family members who consumed the mushroom did vomit, at extreme and projectile levels. With this success, they said, they have a deal with Mother Nature LLC to begin distribution in the vicinity of apartment complexes around the nation starting in March of 2019.

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All fun and games aside, though, life isn’t a Disney movie with birds carrying out elaborate plots against humans, and Woodland Fairies applying for FDA approval on mushrooms. The actual news reflects this or, rather, it should.

In fact, the AP has an article that really needs a reality check.

The article, for real, claims that a herd of 16 cows “helped” the Sanford, Florida, police corral a fleeing suspect in a pasture. And it says the police pursuit ended when “the cows eventually ran Jennifer Anne Kaufman into a fence, where police were waiting to arrest her.”

As if. They are cows. They aren’t capable of a coordinated effort like that, and if they were, they wouldn’t do it to benefit a group of humans.

What happened is that a woman ran into their field. The herd’s sophisticated thought was “Oh, look, something new and weird to chase!” and the cops just got themselves positioned along the fence where the cows and woman were headed.

She’s just lucky it was cows in the field and not hogs because those buggers would’ve chased her down and ate her.

You won’t see that level of reality on the Disney Channel.

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But some days we have that reality, served with a touch of cynicism at [email protected].