Not so much an epic battle, but it's a war

One of the struggles for those who train combat troops is to condition soldiers to run forward, attacking, when ambushed rather than retreat. Experts say fleeing causes chaos which feeds into the effectiveness of the ambush, while attacking forward provides the greatest chance of survival.

The question here is whether that theory applies to the scenario in which a lone woman is in the bathroom, sitting (y'know), and then spies a giant spider lurking in the shadows a few feet away.

Does she flee? Does she attack? Does she take the time to pull her pants up before doing either? The tactical issue here is knowing that standing brings more of her body closer to the spider, but taking any action with her pants around her ankles may prove to be fraught with its own perils. Does she sit, quietly finishing her business (y'know), keeping an eye on the eight-legged intruder while discerning the nearest lethal object, then go for the kill after?

Having found myself in that situation, I opted for a modified version of the last scenario. I didn't have shoes on so, aside from a wad of soft tissue paper, the only weapons that could've provided sufficient fire power - two magazines and a sale flyer for North 40 - were being held hostage in the spider's web-filled encampment.

Being not overly afraid of spiders, I briefly considered the wad-of-toilet-paper-as-a-weapon attack - the kind of ninja-Navy-SEAL-MacGyver-assassin approach to killing by using what is at hand. However, that plan was scrapped after I glanced, quick as two blinks of the eye, at the TP then back at the spider, only to find it was calmly sitting 6 inches off the side from where it had been two blinks before.

Obviously, it was fast, faster than a speeding wad of toilet paper would be.

Out maneuvered, I finished my bathroom business and secured my clothing while I headed out the door in search of a better weapon, a badder weapon, the most efficiently lethal approach to killing the whole hairy bejeepers out of this spider.

During my recon of the situation I took photos and measured up the enemy before jumping into the fray, please see accompanying image.

For the record, its legs spanned at least 2 ¼ inches. And it was obviously built for speed.

Also for the record, I did launch into the fray with a fly swatter. It was ineffective in killing the spider, which had ninja-level stealth and speed skills of its own. But let the record also reflect that when I fought into the ambush, the enemy fled.

Unfortunately, as of print deadline the enemy is still entrenched, somewhere, in my bathroom.

For now, I'm just grateful that the spider has a tendency to flee my presence - and not lurk in the bedroom. But I'm also searching for some form of household-safe napalm.

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I have considered moving out of the house early and torching the place behind me as I walk out with the last box of stuff. This still might happen if that spider falls back to an easterly position inside my bedroom at [email protected].