View from the North 40: I'm sick of my uninvited guest

Dear Summer Cold, I hate to be rude, but I see why nobody likes you.

I realize it was unrealistic of me to think you would just go away that first day. But, seriously, all you did was sneak in and annoy my tonsils until they became angry and red. You seemed relatively harmless and I underestimated your determination.

I see that now — but you’re no flu bug, Summer Cold. You are definitely not the mighty flu.

Yeah, I know. I couldn’t do anything about it when you moved into my sinuses like you were taking over a new crib. And I don’t mean baby crib. You came in all gangster like, as if you hadn’t just moved outta yo momma’s basement and that “gold” tooth wasn’t just a mail-order press on the Fed-Ex guy just delivered.

You aren’t all that, though, yes, I admit you took over my sinuses then spread you clothes and your chaos into my chest. My defenses were down apparently.

I get it. I see why you like it here. With sinuses and lungs at your disposal you think you have a luxury guest suite in the temple of Pam.

You keep me up all night with your partying, leaving your snot and your phlegm all over the place like you’re hanging silly string from the rafters and TP from the trees out in the yard. Phlegm. You think that’s gonna win you some friends?

Do you have any idea how many tissues it takes to clean up a mess like that? Do you know how much coughing and blowing it takes to get that oogy, nasty stuff hauled outside my body?

It’s a temple, you understand. My body is a temple and since a summer cold like you can’t respect that, I’m glad my plan to evict you seems to have worked.

That’s right, it was my evil plan to rid this body of its unwanted guest through boredom and fumigation — also known as good old-fashioned naps and an asthma inhaler. I know you packed up your things and snuck out when you thought I was distracted, but I felt the ease from your leaving. Sure, it’s going to take a few weeks to clean up that mucousy mess you left behind, but the most important thing is that you are gone.

Like I said at the beginning, I don’t mean to be rude, but I don’t care if you take it that way, Summer Cold. You suck and I fully intend to celebrate your departure with a little yard work over the long weekend.

That’s what passes for fun around here when I'm not playing hostess to viruses.

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Viruses – worst guests ever. Am I right? at [email protected].