Practical Pastoring Book Four: Family and Marriage

Mentoring should continue throughout your pastoral life. It has been well over 20 years since I began pastoring the Ark Church. Pastor Dan still helps me when I call him. Whether a church issue or a family issue, Dan is always willing to provide his insight. I hope that you will have a mentor who helps you and in return one day you will mentor another.

Although this was the last letter that Pastor Dan sent to me before I arrived in Havre, it was not his last letter to me. The letters and my responses will give you a sturdy foundation for practical pastoring. The Holy Spirit will build upon this foundation and develop you into the man of God that He desires.

You are not called to be like Pastor Dan, or me, or anyone else in ministry. You were fearfully and wonderfully made with unique DNA. You have your own set of fingerprints. God will give you your path to walk; you will leave your own set of footprints.

If you want a lasting legacy, reread Dan’s letters and my responses when you struggle in your ministry. I did not say if you struggle in your ministry. I believe that you will struggle and overcome. This letter will help you keep your priorities in line with God’s plan for your life.

Your marriage and your family are more important than your ministry. This message may be hard to receive when you have received the call of God and are eager to begin serving Jesus. I recently read the eulogy at the funeral of a family friend. The power of God manifested powerfully in me while I was speaking. People were blessed and appreciative. God received glory. I was reminded that I am not to rejoice in successful service. I need to rejoice that I am rightly related to Jesus.

One strategy to help keep your marriage and family normal is to have friends who do not attend your church or perhaps any church. Karrie and I work to build relationships with people who live in our neighborhood or whom we worked with in our careers.

You should give up the illusion that you will have the perfect life, marriage and family. Hopefully you will have the best life, marriage, and family possible. You will have problems. Thinking otherwise will set you up for big disappointments.

Karrie has been fantastic about attending church during times of difficulty or hardship in my life. I grew up Catholic; missing church was never really an option for me.

Dan mentioned expectations again in his letter. I have found that if I do not expect my adult children to attend church, they are much more likely to be there. Years ago I shared with my children that they needed to have their own relationships with God. They could not ride on my coattails. In order to become mature believers in Christ, my children had to learn how to grow up spiritually.

The Bible teaches that a man of God avoids all extremes. I have had to work on this in my life. I tend to drive in the ditch on the right side of the road, overcorrect, and wind up in the ditch on the left side of the road.

When I began preaching, I would spend the first 20 minutes of the Sunday sermon reviewing last week’s message. Pastor Dan told me I didn’t need to do the review. I eliminated all review, cutting the church service to 40 minutes. It was good, but probably too short. I work for balance in life, still needing to avoid extremes.

When a wheel on your vehicle is out of balance, a vibration is felt inside the car. The vibration warns of something not right. When things are not going smoothly in your heart, you need to find out what is stealing your joy and your peace. Perhaps bringing just one area of your life back into balance will eliminate the vibration or unrest of your soul, restoring your peace.

Your personality will not change. It is who you are. Behavior, however, can change. Work to bring balance into your life. Cooperate with the Holy Spirit, who has a good plan for you and your life. Listening to the Holy Spirit is the only way I know to bring balance in my life.

My priorities are God, spouse, kids and job. I do not always have my priorities in order. When I end up in trouble, it is because I have allowed my priorities to be out of order.

Karrie and I have a healthy marriage, not because I have been perfect. I work on being less stubborn and more teachable. When standing before God, I work to have Him say I was a loyal husband and father, rather than hear Him say how well I performed in ministry. Ministry is important — but not nearly as important as your wife and children.

Humble yourself and submit to God. If you have a good relationship with the Holy Spirit, you will be much more successful in your walk with Jesus. Do your part. Allow the Holy Spirit to teach you everything that He wants to show you. Finish the race and hear from God, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Kevin Barsotti

Ark Church

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This article is part of “Practical Pastoring: Mentoring Growth Letters from a Senior Pastor to a New Pastor, Book Four.” The author responds to his pastor’s letters from 20 years ago when he began his pastoral journey.