Making the holiday spirit bright

In this busy time of year — while I wait for the the first wave of crowds to run out of money and the second wave to get their gifts exchanged post-Christmas — so I can do my holiday shopping, I’ve spent some time reading the news recreationally.

For fun. I know, weird, right? But this is what I learned:

Epa.gov says that between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day people in the U.S. increase their household waste production by 25 percent, which is about 1 million tons extra — also known as 2 billion pounds, in case you didn’t want to do the math.

Apparently, a significant portion of that garbage at Thanksgiving was turkey.

The nonprofit conservation group Natural Resources Defense Council says 204 million pounds of turkey was thrown out — that’s 102,000 tons. You’re welcome, anti-math people.

I know what you’re thinking and, no, the NRDC did not say how they counted all the turkey garbage, but I imagine legions of concerned people flocking to landfills across the nation in the week after Turkey Day to sift through the garbage. I’m absolutely positive that’s not how they do it, but I’m going to imagine it anyway.

WMC Action News 5 out of Memphis, Tennessee, reports that a man in a Santa mask handed out candy canes to people in the Memphis City Employee Credit Union then robbed the place and left. For real, there’s no punch line.

One of the customers said about robbing the bank at Christmas: “Just stop. Get a job. Do something productive. Be productive” — which I thought was totally rude and lacking in holiday spirit. I mean, Santa works only one day a year but has to be there to supervise and meet payroll for those elves all year round and sometimes it’s hard to make ends meet. So you rob a little bit in order to give a whole lot.

The next bit of news is only marginally related to Christmas because the guy has some holiday recipes that you won’t want to try, but New York chef Don Peavy, who calls himself Chef PV, cooks with bugs. Bugs. Yes, insects. He says you can make meals out of wax worms, crickets and scorpions that even picky eaters will love. Uh-uh.

I totally understand that a pile of crickets has equal or greater protein than a pile of meat, and it takes fewer resources to raise the insects, but nope. No. Just no.

That said, if you want to try bugs — including green “bug nog,” ginger/insect cookies and meal worm latkes, which may or may not be kosher — look him up on Facebook or his “Buggin’ Out” YouTube channel.

Finally, computer software guru, business magnate, entrepreneur, philanthropist and all-around swell guy Bill Gates, who must be a smart guy, just totally sucks at Secret Santa.

We all know how Secret Santa works. Names are anonymously exchanged or drawn from a hat, and participants give a gift to the person whose name they drew. The gifts stay within a pre-set dollar amount, which is generally low and — this is crucial to the exercise — the giver remains anonymous to the receiver.

Being secretive, staying anonymous, is all part of the fun and the whole reason why “secret” is in the name Secret Santa, otherwise it’ just Santa.

Some of the contributors over at the news-like blog site Reddit.com got together for a Secret Santa exchange and Gates bought his receiver a few hundred dollars worth of stuff and sent a signed letter and a couple photos of himself.

It’s Secret Santa, man. Way to ruin it.

Good thing out-going President Obama’s staff is here to save the holiday. After Obama told People magazine he thinks decorative snowmen are “a little creepy,” his staff, who have a some time on their hands in this lame duck season, moved a family of snowmen from the White House Rose Garden to strategic viewpoints outside oval office windows. White House photographer Pete Souza took photos of the prank and posted them on Instagram — without naming the pranksters.

Now that’s how it’s done. The gift was inexpensive, personalized and done in secret. Plus, creepy vibes are a gift that will keep on giving.

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Merry Christmas, everyone, from [email protected].