It's a little early to fail at Christmas

I tried the holiday self-improved-shopper route this year, but it’s not even Thanksgiving yet and I’ve already managed to ruin Christmas. In my defense, though, I had help.

I simply set things in motion, and they snowballed into ruination. In fact, the thing that I set into motion was my mom, the strongest force of nature known to mankind, a thing that cannot be controlled or contained, so I don’t know how I expected a positive outcome.

And yes, for the record, I am saying that my mom stole Christmas.

In a normal Christmas season, I call people who tell me they shop in September and October liars — using my best dismissive scoff. Then I stare in slack-jawed disbelief at the Thanksgiving rush of shopping.

At some point after the tryptophan wears off in the first week of December I think some version of “I should make a list and start shopping,” the emphasis here is on the word “should.” The emphasis stays on “should” until the last week before Christmas. At two days, I rearrange the list to include only things I can have shipped automatically to the recipient — because it still counts as on time if it’s postmarked prior to Christmas Day.

And I usually have everything sent by New Year’s Day. Usually.

But my husband and I, that’s the easy gift exchange: “What are you buying yourself for Christmas this year, hon?” It’s a unisex gift phrase and we’ve lived by it for years now.

So it was a huge break in all gift-buying traditions this year when I thought of and started searching for a specific present for my husband in September.

I know, right, how amazing was that?

I mean, it’s not like the present idea was that amazing, but it was good enough and possibly expensive enough that I wanted to start looking for the right thing at a good deal right away. I was going all out for this present, in an autumn month when back-to-school was the only holiday on the radar.

I spent forever one day looking on the internet without coming to any conclusions — and that’s an hour I’ll never get back, like the 15 minutes I spent a week later in a real-life store shopping among humans and salespeople. That was so traumatic I didn’t do anything about the gift idea until earlier this month when it occurred to me that my mom loves to shop, she goes to those big-chain discount stores in cities all the time.

I enlisted her as my personal shopper. It was an entirely reasonable solution. Until she ruined it all.

One week and a flurry of texts later she let me know she’d found the item, asked what color I wanted then said, and I quote, “Merry Christmas! Got my shopping done. I stole your awesome idea and I’m taking credit for it and you are an Xmas loser.”

OK, maybe that was more of a summary than a direct quote, but it’s like when you make the perfect meal and drop it on the floor or install a new window then break the glass, and you’re just standing there bewildered by the mishap and a touch sick to your stomach, and all you can think is “Well, that just happened. Didn’t it.”

Mom is remorseless, and it looks as if my husband and I will be celebrating a traditional Christmas again this year.

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Buy yourself something pretty for Christmas at [email protected].