View from the North 40: Lists aren't just for to-do

Something in the human mind loves lists: Top 5 businesses to work for and Top 5 not to work for; 10 most impressive acts of laziness in history; 24 things women over 30 shouldn’t wear; 24 things females under 30 shouldn't talk smack about; 100 must-read books; 7 must-have futon features; and on and on — the lists being too numerous to list.

I have decided to feed this humankind need with a list of my own, and I give you: 5 Most Seductive Foods.

5. Bread. A mealtime staple in cultures throughout the world since mankind first domesticated grains. It’s pretty much a wholesome form of crack. White, wholewheat, rye, ciabatta, whole grain, flat bread, French, pita, naan, frybread, those hearty-crusted peasant breads, my gawd, I would eat myself into a coma with endless supplies of breads. Seriously, want to make a quick buck? Skip day-trading on the stock market and that false promise of the lottery, just get me a life-time, all-you-can-eat supply of bread and take out a life insurance policy on me. You’re welcome for the tip.

4. Rhubarb. Appearing for the first time on this list, rhubarb seems unlikely to be dangerous, but consider that any recipe for this sour fruit-like product includes equal parts by weight of rhubarb and sugar. While that is attractive in itself, the reason rhubarb landed here on the food watch list is because the two recipes I found this year: Rhubarb Cheesecake and Rhubarb-Buttermilk Cake. You don’t want to know how much of these two desserts I’ve eaten the last five days … or maybe I just don’t want to admit it.

3. Margaritas. That is all that needs to be said, though of course, I’ll say more. Sadly, or at least oddly, my body is physically, genetically, incapable of tolerating any significant quantities of alcohol in one sitting. I have not abused myself with an overabundance of alcoholic beverages for almost a decade since “margarita weekend” with my girlfriends turned into “margarita night and hangover weekend,” but if I were going to torture myself with an excess of the devil’s spirits, margaritas would talk me into it.

2. Potatoes. I am largely Irish and German by genetic heritage. My blood calls out for the potato. I cannot deny this inherent need for the starchy tubers. Cooked any way, they'll do.

1. Dairy. Like with bread, I am an all-inclusive lover of dairy products. It’s a rare day in my life that doesn’t include milk, but I happily include cheeses of all types, including cottage cheese and queso fresco, as well as yogurt, cream, sour cream, whipped cream, ice cream and more.

I have only a few “not that dairy product, nope” items:

Blue cheese — because eeewww. You know the blue part is mold, big globs of mold, right?

Skim milk — because what’s the point? Just drink water.

And kumis, also known as airag — not because the fermented dairy drink is made from horse milk, but because I once saw a TV special about Mongolia that showed someone jump-starting the fermenting process by spitting in the milk or, more politely, swishing a mouthful of fresh milk then spitting that back into the container. Even though this might not be how the drink is actually made in these modern times in which the people of the steppes have television in their tents, the mere possibility of drinking someone's spit-back is a big fat nopity-nope from me. I don't care how much dairy they hide that in.

(Anymore nopes than this, though, and I'll have to start another list at [email protected].)