View from the North 40: Trolling shallow waters for laughs

When my column-idea machine is locked up and not producing even a widget of an idea, I go straight to the news and start fishing for an interesting headline to land a big tuna of inspiration.

No. That’s a lie.

When my column-idea machine is locked up and not producing even a widget of an idea, I do whatever is humanly possible to avoid writing my column — pretending that I’m working on developing a legitimate idea — and when that doesn’t work I meander into online news stories and start fishing for an interesting headline that might (may the humor gods have pity on my soul) spark an idea.

It is a sign of my desperation that my online fishing expedition ended up in a search for “weird news.” Yes, I resorted to relying on the kindness of strangers to point out material that might spark a laugh. It’s as if I can’t tell which story might have more funsy fuel: “Facebook to face privacy lawsuit over photo tagging” or “FBI-themed stripper triggers panic, security alert.”

My online search has revealed that Nbc.com has an actual “Weird News” section. No kidding.

I have to admit that their headlines hold great promise:

• “Baby born aboard passenger jet is named after the airline” (I checked and, sorry, it was JetStar Airlines not LOT Polish Airlines, Virgin Atlantic or Wizzair or something. The real takeaway from this article, though, is this quote about JetStar policy which “allows those up to 40 weeks pregnant, or about 10 months, to travel on flights of four hours or less.” 10 months pregnant? Yeah, that’s just an in-flight birth waiting to burst forth.)

• “Store refuses to accept cash from bras or socks” (Turns out this is about the unseasonably high temperatures and, of course, the ewww factor of sweaty paper.)

The site also had a smattering of headlines that were weird but got a big “nope, ain’t even going to look” from me.

• “Rat crawls up sleeping subway rider’s neck” (too eww)

• “Weekend renters find corpse in garden of Airbnb home” (not in the mood for dead stuff)

• “Octopus removed from 2-year-old Kansas boy’s throat” (Something tragic happened to a kid, don't want to see it.)

On the other hand, Yahoo.com has an Odd News section, which is headline-challenged when it comes to humor.

• “Governor’s adoption of Veto the dog violated shelter rules” (yawn)

• “14 TV shows likely to get the ax after this season” (Because this has never happened in the history of television?)

• “Woman arrested for staying silent during traffic stop sues” (It must be a commentary on our current society — or me — that this is booorinnnng.)

I will admit, though, that Yahoo had a couple headlines that piqued my interest.

• “Surgeon makes tourism ad after Rhode Island's Iceland flop” (Read it. Not really funny or odd.)

• “Montana county wants to dispose of Cold War commode kits” (Bingo!)

Montana wins the weird, again, as Bozeman’s Gallatin County clears out 42 fiberboard drums labeled "SK IV Sanitation Kit," a 1964 gift from the Department of Defense which, apparently, didn’t want the potties back.

The kits look like a toilet-height barrel and include “a toilet seat, commode liner, 10 rolls of toilet paper that people were cautioned to ‘USE SPARINGLY,’ along with commode chemical. The seat fits on top of the lined drum,” the Bozeman Daily Chronicle says.

The kits also include the instructions to only fill to the fill-line, not to remove the plastic bag from the drum after filling and, once used, not to lift or tilt in the removal process, the Chronicle says

Good to know.

The article was from April 28, so it’s probably not too late to purchase one for yourself. The labels say each commode “supplies 50 people.” Sounds like fun times ahead.

(You just can’t make some things up at [email protected].)