Addicted to the Addict

Jessica Boyer

Director of Marketing

Rocky Mountain Treatment Center

For those of us who go through addiction, it is not as simple as one would think. We spend a lot of time silently wishing, “Why can’t you just quit? Just stop, it is that easy!” Many times, I would ask myself so many questions; however, the most tormenting one that I would ask myself daily was, “Why doesn’t he love me enough to quit? What am I not doing right?”

But the truth, of course, is far more complicated; this is compounded by the simple truth that as difficult as it is for the addict, it is just as challenging for the spouse of the addict. As the spouse of an addict, there are many things that you will think and do during the course of your life that will confuse you, but one thing that you may not think of is that you are an addict yourself. You are in fact addicted to the addict, which means that you are just as much a part of the problem as the addict.

I would call in sick to take care of him; I would leave during all times of the night to find out where he was and whether he was safe. I would call in sick for him so that he wouldn’t get into trouble at work. Worst of all, I would go out and drink with him, just so I could be near him.

My mind was torn between healthy and unhealthy love, and this will inevitably lead to a downward spiral, every time. It wasn’t long before I lost friends, as many didn’t understand why I stayed; further, they were unable to understand why I could not break myself from him. They would even ask, “Why can’t you leave him? Just go, it is that easy!”

Sound familiar? But again, it just isn’t that simple.

Eventually, I learned that just as I could be a partner in his problem, I could also — along with him — be a part of the solution. As we both moved forward in our addiction, we would both be at the most vital and critical parts of our lives when it was finally confronted. Even though I knew the pain that it would cause, I made the choice that I could no longer enable his behavior or be part of it. I moved out, and along with that eventually came a sense freedom and of being OK with myself.

I realized that I had to relearn how to live life without him, and know that I would be alright with him not being a part of my life.

A few months later, he found himself on my doorstep, not knowing how he got there. I let him in and he passed out almost immediately. The next morning, he told me he was ready and it was the first time that I believed him.

As we both endured our journey of becoming healthy and getting our relationship back, I came to realize that if I was going to help our relationship, I needed to get healthy myself. This meant that I had some major changes of my own to make. The primary issue was that I was extremely co-dependent, and for that I needed individualized help. By getting counseling, I was able to start my own improvement, as it helped me to understand why I did what I did and why I felt compelled to act the way I did.

It also gave me tools to self-talk when I would find myself in those situations, so that I wouldn’t repeat them and fall into a trap of my own making. This has been a process, but one that has absolutely been well worth it, as it would be for anyone who finds him or herself in a similar situation.

If you and your spouse want recovery, you have to make hard choices and accept that you will suffer in the short term for those choices; however, building the foundation together can lead to the greatest rewards of any relationship as real trust, commitment and partnership are forged.

Many have and will continue to question our relationship, but we keep moving forward and our family is doing better every day — with a deep appreciation for the good things that we have and do together.

Would I do it differently if I could go back? That is indeed a very challenging question, and the answer is more than a simply yes or no. It is easy to say that I would have stopped my addiction to my addict, as it was making me part of the problem, and I can say that I would have fixed myself much sooner.

But the fact is that when you are in the middle of the situation, such truths are difficult to see, and often they can be denied because the thought of confronting those issues is overwhelming. Once you are able to make these first, hard choices, you will take the first steps on a road that can lead to real happiness and fulfillment as you learn what a healthy relationship can be. You will also come to understand that this road is not for the lazy — it takes commitment and sacrifice.

Even though I can say that we are going strong after eight years — including four years of sobriety — there are still challenges that we face daily; however, strengthened by the foundation that we have built together, we are able to confront the obstacles together as we take on life one day at a time.

If any or all of this sounds familiar to you as the spouse of an addict, it will help you to remember some fundamental truths:

Remember that ultimately, you are the most important person to you, and accountable only to yourself; learn to love and accept yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

It is not easy to love someone with an addiction, and it is not easy to leave a loved one with an addiction.

It is not your fault, so stop blaming yourself.

Do not stay because you feel obligated for the children.

Be strong and go to a support group; realize that there are other people out there who can and are willing to help.

Don’t be afraid; addiction is not the definition of your life and it will not control you unless you allow it to.

No one can help your loved one except … your loved one; you cannot do it for him or her, and he or she cannot do it for you.

All of this boils down to choices. We all choose our own destiny and anyone who says otherwise is only making excuses. If you want it, you can make it happen, no matter what obstacles confront you. It doesn’t matter if you think you can or if you think you can’t; in both cases, you are correct!

You cannot be responsible or accountable for the choices and actions of others; you can only be responsible for your choices and actions, so do your best to make sure that they are as true to you as they can be.

This will not be an easy road, and the truth is that it should not be easy! Everything worth having is also worth fighting for.

Make the most out of the good days, and learn from the setbacks; a wise person will be thankful for the victories as well as the defeats.

You are not alone! Even though only you can take this journey, there are many who can and will be willing to help you with it.