View from the North 40: I support this, so I can say that

As a leading source of news in an era of “lamestream” media, Pamville News strives to maintain a solidly ethical and impartial reputation among its readers and peers, but I am going to endorse political candidates anyway.

In my position as editor of Pamville News, I do not undertake this endeavor lightly, nor do I do it to sway readers to any politician’s political stance. I do this to give us all hope for the future, a future in which someone has to be elected president so we might as well make it the one with the best punchline potential:

• I hereby declare support, in the election to the office of president, for former neurosurgeon Ben Carson, so that one day when his is no longer Dr. Carson wrestling with the complexities of the brain, but rather President Carson, making standard presidential boneheaded decisions on behalf of the American people, I can say: “How can he not figure this out? It isn’t brain surgery.”

• I hereby declare support, in the election to the office of president, for Bernie Sanders in hopes that I might one day be able to say of him: “He is President Sanders, right? The way he’s running this country, I thought his name was Colonel Sanders.”

• I hereby declare support, in the election to the office of president, for Donald Trump for the sake of the young people of America and the hope that I might one day introduce them to this phrase: “Today’s drinking game is based on how many times President Trump’s comb-over flips during this outdoor ceremony. May the best drinker win.”

• I hereby declare support, in the election to the office of president, for former Secretary of State, Madam Hillary Clinton for, oh, so many statements, such as, “Only in the White House can a woman start out a lady, become a madam and then transcend to the presidency. It’s a truly American story of triumph.”

I also hope she has an affair as president, or at least the rumor of an affair, so her husband, former President Bill Clinton, has to stand beside her in stoic support while she declares: “I did not have sexual relations with that man.” And I can say, “Nor that cheeky man standing next to her.” It’ll kill with the right context and timing.

And lastly, on the Clinton endorsement. I would also head to Washington, D.C., to get a job as a White House tour guide so I could lead a tour in which I declare: “Neither of the Presidents Clinton slept with anyone in this room. We’re having a plaque made.”

• Finally, I hereby declare support, in the election to the office of president, for Marco Rubio because surely one day I would then be able to report that: “The president was lost for a while today on the grounds at Camp David. While this did give Secret Service a moment of concern it was also an opportunity for the president and his security agents to try out their new echo-location security technology. For a short duration the cries of ‘Marco!’ ‘Rubio!’ ‘Marco!’ ‘Rubio!’ could be heard until the final all clear was called: ‘Marc— Oh, there you are, sir. Hey, guys, I found him. Olly olly oxen free!’”

(I would also declare support for presidential candidate Jeb Bush, but I have been assured by all authorities on ethical standards in news content — and by the insistence of the Pamville publisher — nobody needs to read what I have to say about Bush, or my pitch for his running mate to be former Rep. Anthony Weiner at [email protected].)