From the North 40: Pakistan is all about that bass

Pamville News

The latest rumor from the Pentagon is that U.S. Armed Forces and covert operations agencies will be starting a major recruitment push in the war against Middle Eastern foes because it has become evident that the Middle East’s Achilles heel is actually the female fanny.

An unnamed source on Capitol Hill has told Pamville News that, based on the latest news from Pakistan, U.S. women will be wooed like in the days of WWII to come to the aid of their country.

Pakistan official Jamiat Ulema-e-Islami Fazl Chief Maulana Fazlur Rehman asked, during a press conference Saturday at a hotel in Islamabad, that the Pakistani armed forces launch a military operation across Pakistan against women wearing jeans.

Sources in Pakistan reported that Rehman said that immodestly dressed women cause earthquakes, inflation and other natural disasters.

Astute U.S. military leaders noted this claim was similar to one made by Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi in April 2010, when Sedighi linked immodest dress of women to males losing control, infidelity and earthquakes — even what he called “political earthquakes” such as the one that erupted after Iran’s controversial 2009 presidential election.

“We thought the first reference to women causing earthquakes was just the ranting of a misguided cleric,” the D.C. source said, “but with this second claim we are noticing a distinct pattern of vulnerability in the mindset of Middle Eastern leaders.”

Rehman’s list of the ills, maelstrom and mayhem of immodestly dressed women included the unrest in Baluchistan, lack of energy supply, deteriorating security in Pakistan and attacks by the Taliban in Pakistan. He went on to say women traveling around the country, while dressed in clothing any more revealing than a “sack of flour,” are no different that a mobile weapon of mass destruction.

Yes, Rehman confirmed, women in jeans and similar clothing are weapons of mass destruction which must be stopped with military assault force.

“Officials in the U.S. and among our United Nations allies are keen to take advantage of this, pardon the expression, booty-licious opportunity to cause chaos among the enemy. And if it causes actual earthquakes in the region so much the better.

“We haven’t seen any plans since the days of Rosie the Riveter to inspire women to join our armed forces,” he said. “We have posters, radio and TV ads, and celebrity endorsements like in the days of old, be we also have a social media campaign — Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.

“Our tech guys even have an app for it,” he added, “and we’ve brought in some folks from the graphic novel industry to create some cool, superhero women wielding a fine caboose in jeans, thwarting the enemy. I don’t want to give away any of the story lines, but they’re pretty cool. For the first time ever it's cool to be a woman. Well, you know what I mean.”

According to the source, the campaign will heavily target a younger, more trendy crowd which, it is believed, will be able to generate a higher level of jean-clad intensity to wage against the enemy.

“We’re in negotiations with Meghan Trainor to get a special rendition of her hit ‘It’s All About That Bass,’ with Kim Kardashian dancing along. It'll be very artsy, tastefully done,” he said. “We just have to get the message out there to these women that we’re not looking for their mama’s shake and bake for this mission.”

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(A weapon of mass destruction ... I have to say that I have never in my life felt more empowered by my femaleness. Thanks, man. But I hope for their own self-defense that Rehman is right about the Pakistani women's powers at [email protected].)