Go for the gold with Team Wavy Seals

It seems that various teams in the past several Summer Olympics have utilized an amazing secret weapon to help them bring home the Olympic bling: U.S. Navy SEAL training. Go ahead and say it ... Hoo-yah.

In March, a group of Navy SEALs went to the Olympic training center in Colorado Springs, Colo., to train the U.S. sailing team in the not-so-subtle art of working as a team while enduring personal physical and mental agony.

Pam Burke

NBC Channel 9 News reporter Matt Renoux reported that the team members were warned they would face a grueling workout, get yelled at and, perhaps the toughest task of the day, suffer through four hours without their cellphones. Not even for texting.

Some team members were reduced to tears over the last requirement, but pushed through the pain ... they are elite athletes.

The workout started with a mile run, followed by roughly a gajillion pushups, then a quick head-to-toe dip in a barely thawed mountain lake followed by a roll in the sand, ending with more exercising and a team log-toting drill to carry a 220-pound log across the park they were working in. Of course, these drills were repeated in some combination at least four times in four hours.

The task masters are Navy SEALs, and they can do all this in their sleep, which they do with one eye open.

Only 18 of the 41 starters finished the four-hour day. The others dropped out due to hypothermia, extreme fatigue and debilitating pain within two hours. No one reported cellphone withdrawal, but the symptoms include chills and cramping so the condition may have been overlooked in light of the other issues.

For the record, I would have excelled at the no cellphone portion of this workout — it's hard to miss what you don't have to begin with — I would, however, have failed miserably at the remainder of the tasks.

In fact, my entire day would've lasted approximately 10 seconds, which is about how long it would've taken me to run 150 yards (my proven maximum running distance), stagger to a stop gasping for air and then collapse to the ground from lack of oxygen. Day One complete for Pam. Call the paramedics.

That said, while the Navy SEAL training is out for me, I have been to SeaWorld — twice — and I've completed training with an elite herd of California sea lions called the Wavy Seals. It's a top secret group of trained amusement park seals who have escaped back to the wilds of Southern California beaches.

Don't worry if you've never heard of them before — it's all hush hush, need to know, and I'll have to kill you if I tell you kind of stuff.

Every Wavy Seal training day begins with a stroll on the beach, wading in the warm, salty waters of the Pacific Ocean and soaking up the sun, lying on a blanket on the sand. It's grueling and inspires attendees to do a lot of soul searching, digging deep inside to find a way to go on ... until the margaritas arrive.

I can't reveal all the Wavy Seal training techniques (please refer back to the "I'll have to kill you" portion of this column before you whine). I will, however, tell you that I can now bark in four seal dialects, clap my flipper-sized hands in precise rhythm to any music (even while blindfolded), balance a ball on my nose for hours and accurately catch fish thrown at me from 25 feet.

The training has made a better person of me and provided a skill set that's useful at any after-dinner party.

That and a medal is all any elite athlete or warrior can hope for.