Pamville News: The what and the why

Pamville News reporters have been scouring the news wire to bring you, the discerning public, the latest in the most important issues.

And speaking of public — the Lyndon B. Johnson School of Public Affairs at the University of Texas is bucking Texas redneck traditions with a Texas-sized red face. Seems the guests at their commencement ceremony this year were handed programs with a missing L, making it the School of Pubic Affairs.

School officials did their best to correct the matter, TheBlaze.com reports, by creating and handing out new programs, but word of the gaffe leaked to the general pubic before it could be stopped.

"This is a real pubic relations nightmare," said one school official to the sympathetic Pamville News copy editor.

Unnamed sources in Washington, D.C., tell Pamville News that Texas congressmen from both the Senate and House are trying to act like the typo incident never happened, or at least like the misspelling was a purposeful pitch. They are making proposals to their separate legislators to rename a vital federal department: The Department of Pubic Health and Human Surfaces.

In other news, a 54-year-old convicted felon in California was arrested for having converted a Super Soaker squirt gun into a zip gun capable of firing one 20-gauge shotgun shell rather than the usual plastic reservoir full of common tap water.

KMPH-TV News reports that Randy Smith was arrested in Fresno, Calif., on several charges, including manufacture of an illegal weapon, but was released from jail the next day.

Pamville News reporters caught up with Smith after his release and found in an interview that he had several more ideas for toy to real-world weapon conversions.

"Oh, yeah, man. I got me a bong hit full of ideas for these toy weapon conversions. I call the line 'kidz 2 killerz.' Catchy, eh?" Smith said.

Among Smith's most prized conversions is the wiffle ball grenade that's launched with a good smack from a weighted wiffle bat, which is itself a weapon. Smith has a quick-loop tie that connects two wiffle bats, converting them instantly into nunchucks.

He also has plans for turning a badminton racket into a dispenser for piano wire that can be used to cut people's throats. With the wire left strung on the racket, the device could also be used to cut perfect french fries and cubed cheese.

Ironically, Smith has safety walls on his trampoline at home, and his lawn darts and BB gun pellets have been rendered harmless after he fitted them with proximity devices that adjust trajectory to miss any eyeballs or other body parts in their path. This has seriously reduced the number of eye-poked-out emergency room visits among his clientèle.

"Sure," Smith said, "I believe in safety. I'm a business-slash-gunman, not a mo-ron. The wiffle products look light, but they're way too heavy for toddlers to manipulate. It would take someone bigger, hence with more maturity, to operate those devices — someone like a grade schooler.

"And the Super Soaker is a single shot, not some automatic assault rifle that an animal would use. Plus, by making it look like a child's toy, you can walk down streets and even through crowds without causing panic.

"It's all about ethics — ethics and convenience."

We couldn't agree more. Thank you for reading Pamville News where our motto is: If ethics were more convenient, more people would have them.