Trying to shortchange the IRS

During every tax season it becomes painfully obvious there are two types of American taxpayers: those who know the federal government wastes millions of dollars and those who are, for lack of a better word, dead. Yet, the living actually believe they can short-change the IRS. Such optimism is rather refreshing — stupid — but refreshing.

If I filled out our tax returns I'd be writing this from prison. My wife, who excels at such things as thinking, does them. Thank goodness. She also helps with the Volunteer Income Tax Assistance program. The Montana Credit Unions for Community Development sponsors this service for tax payers who make under $50,000 and meet other guidelines, such as the homeless rodent credit worth 600 gerbils. Ha ha, just a little tax-time humor.

Joe Barnhart

VITA folks are specially trained to complete basic tax returns for FREE. Seriously! They're willing to sift through a box of old grass clippings just to ensure your taxes are done correctly.

I'm thinking VITA is a no-brainer but for those folks who are too bashful to call and see if they qualify, here's my six-step process for filling out your own 2012 tax returns, as recreated from an interview with my wife:

1. Gather up all your tax reporting forms. This includes W2, 1099, 1776-1812 and zip codes over 5,000. She rattled off quite a few, most of which I missed.

2. Collect recipes — as many as you can. Quite frankly, this makes no sense to me whatsoever but I was kind of daydreaming. Just rummage around a desk drawer or dumpster for slips of paper with numbers. These might help during an IRS audit.

3. Locate the tax form(s) befitting your unique tax burden as a wonderful, breathing human being. I was reading a gum wrapper when she described these. Sorry.

4. Complete the forms making sure, as my wife said, "the numbers fit." I suspect this tax lingo means to watch the decimal point. I always got docked points in math classes for misplacing decimal points — something my teachers attributed to an inability to stay focused.

5. Link any ancillary forms back to the main form following mundane instructions such as: "Place this value on form IRS-324, column 56b, under 'Double Indemnity Medical Deductions' but only after catching the greased pig."

6. Sign your name. My wife always marks where to sign with an X so I'd say, look for blank spaces proceeded with a capital letter. You may also electronic file (e-file) adding the extra excitement of having almost everything entered when the screen turns blue and states, "Windows has detected a problem and is shutting down."

This process might seem daunting so if you have problems, simply send a brief note to President Obama:

Hi Mr. President,

Filling out my taxes here — need a little help. Call any night next week except Tuesday (league bowling) and maybe Wednesday as that's my wife's birthday but we may stay home cuz she's still mad about some dang cup size comment I made in the Penney's checkout line.

Thanks a bunch,

Yourname, a faithful taxpayer

Yourphone#

Or, if you're daring enough and believe you might qualify, locate the number of your local VITA center and give them a call. They're really nice folks — even my wife.

As of March 9, Montana VITA centers had processed 1,254 returns, with federal refunds totaling $1,520,558 and earned income credit refunds of $503,404.

Remember, filings are due Tuesday, April 17.