In case you haven't noticed, it's been windy

The following is an excerpt from the introduction of the highly acclaimed book "Beyond the Kite: 101 Uses for a High Wind" written by Windy Erenell and published by Pamville Publishing Company Inc., LLC, PDQ, FTW:

Philosophers have long debated whether or not a tree falling in the woods makes a sound if no man is there to hear it. So too, the best minds of many centuries have debated whether or not the wind actually blows in places that have no man there to get annoyed by it.

Pam Burke

This debate extended not only to remote areas, but also to eras which predate man's existence on Earth.

Pamville scientists have uncovered empirical evidence that, in fact, high winds ravaged Earth as far back as the Maastrichtian age of the upper Cretaceous Period, roughly 67 to 65.5 million years ago, when the Tyrannosaurus Rex ruled the world.

In a secluded valley of Europe, Pamville field scientists recently discovered the remains of a T.rex colony, all remains having evidence that the creatures had hair. Because this flies in the face of the long-held belief that only mammals have hair, it sparked an exhaustive day-long search for a reasonable scientific explanation for this anomaly.

Pamville researchers discovered that this small valley was, in fact, carved from Earth's crust by a highly radioactive meteor striking at such an angle and depth to make a valley sheltered from all winds. Soon after its formation, the valley was teeming with strange lifeforms: purple and orange trees, fluorescent grasses, two-headed lizards and a smattering of other prehistoric animals with six legs.

"We can see by the patterns of trace radiation in and around the valley that the radiation particulates were concentrated in this valley, therefore we can conclude that the wind never blew with enough force to scour the radiation from its depths and scatter it through the region," said lead researcher Dim Whitman.

"The T.rex must've been highly attracted to the lush and windless location," Whitman said, "and here, with these mutant lifeforms, this group of T.rexes thrived.

"They were able to become all they were meant to be: fully haired creatures of great pride, whilst their brethren outside the irradiated valley were snatched bald by high winds."

"They must've felt shagadelic, baby," Whitman concluded.

"But more significantly from a scientific point of view, of course," he hastened to add, "we at the Pamville Institute of Hard Science and Paper Mache Arts have concluded from our research that the wind did blow — mightily — across the earth even before the existence of man.

"If it's a consolation to mankind that we are not the first beings to have our days ruined by wind, we can claim that we are, at least, able to retain some of our hair despite it."