On the cutting edge of dieting technology

NEWS FLASH: Japanese researchers discover "diet-glasses!" Island nation sinks under piles of uneaten "raw squid, wrapped in beef entrails" sushi.

Researchers, who graduated at the bottom of their class, are experimenting with food bloating spectacles that make rodent hairs in your corndog visible. The revolutionary glasses snap the food's picture and then replay an increased image. Food increases but bodily appendages, like warts, remain the same size tricking your brain into thinking you're either gorging yourself or are high on opium. In a recent cookies eating contest, glasses wearing participants reportedly ate 9.3 percent less than those who were served milk. According to Michitaka Hirose, a parking attendant, this conclusively proves food looks smaller when you're drinking milk.

Joe Barnhart

It's really none of my business but do you think you're fat? I'm guessing you do because humans, and some lawyers, are constantly obsessed with eating and then feeling guilty about it. Surprised? Try this experiment. Sequester a randomly selected group of food-oriented adults in a locked room. Wait for approximately 6 to 24 hours then open the door. If my gut instinct serves me correctly, the first thing out of their mouths will be, "Waiter, the dessert cart. And be smart about it!"

But if we (i.e. you and your friends) are serious about weight loss, why stop with bozo glasses? Try these calorie defying techniques I thought up just five minutes ago:

Banana slugs: Served as a garnish, you'll wonder why you even set the table.

Sand: Pound for pound, this miracle food additive is excellent for controlling hunger. It also contains earthy minerals like rust and uncut diamonds. So, liberally sprinkle it on everything from oatmeal to meatloaf. Remember, a bag of traction sand is only a fraction of the cost of a trip to Vienna and will stop an out-of-control appetite like male cockroaches at a bridal shower.

Stomach flu: A stomach flu drops pounds like there was no tomorrow. Where is the most germ-harboring place on Earth? Correct — an elementary school. Simply check in at the front office and then lunch on partially consumed PBJs or Tater-tot casseroles; germ-infected lunches are guaranteed to make holding food down harder than balancing the national budget. A debilitating hangover will also suffice, but you often don't recognize the bed you're in.

Celery: Death by starvation was only minutes away when laboratory rats were fed nothing but celery. Warning: Experiment at your own risk.

Colonoscopy: Scoping the ol' colon requires a little housekeeping. But, while colon cleansing products are better than Drano, you don't need a colonoscopy to benefit from their obesity relieving powers. Go ahead; eat that 24-ounce sirloin steak. You'll have a secret weapon ready to flush you out with Hover dam hydraulic power.

These simple, yet effective weight loss techniques are crowd pleasers. Note: Before embarking on any rigorous dietary regiment, be sure to check your pulse, tire pressure, cellphone charge and expiration date and visit with your physician. And for heavens sake, a few rodent hairs aren't going to kill you.