Pamville News: The April rap sheets

Pamville News Editor's Note: The April Pamville News, featuring the month's truecrime stories, is brought you by the letter E. ——— Economica Erotica: Greek for business as unusual In November 2008, an unsuspecting U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission released its regular biannual internal audit report of the good, the bad and the "what were you thinking" deeds of its agency. New York-based Ponzi scheme king Bernie Madoff was watching his financial empire crumble. And, because of their own poor financial practices, U.S. banking conglomerates and businesses "too big to fail" were requesting billions of dollars of taxpayer-financed bailout money to fight their war on bankruptcy. The have-not public, too small to bail, raised the cry of: "Like, wassup with this mess? Who was supposed to have our backs, man?" And all fingers pointed to the SEC. Then some of those fingers started thumbing through the SEC report to find answers. In a stroke of fortune, one portion of the answer, found on just two pages of the report, was sensational enough to capture the imagination and satisfy both the news media and the public. The SEC didn't see any of the nefarious financial dealings because their employees were too busy using their government computers during taxpayer- financed office hours to surf the Internet for pornography websites. Outrage over the porn situation spawned a series of SEC report sequels and related correspondences which have provided further details. The Washington Post reveals many of those details in their own series of news reports: the number of SEC employees and contractors who were participating in Pornogate 2008 (31, 17 of whom were SEC officers earning $100,000 to $200,000 a year); a handy reference guide to all the pornographic websites accessed; the top reasons given for viewing the porn (including, to relieve stress ... because getting their work done wasn't doing it for them); the number of employees suspended for one to 14 days give them time to update their porn links on their own home computers (six); and the number who were fired (zero, nada, none). No SEC reports have outlined 1) whether or not any of the porn-dogs will be charged with theft of government money through wasted time; 2) how many SEC employees and contractors have spent equivalent work time on their government computers at activities such as updating their Facebook pages, bidding on eBay and watching YouTube; and 3) if there is truth to the rumors that the SEC is officially changing its name to Sex and Erotica Commission to distract people from the fact that no one in the agency has been reprimanded or fired for any less-sensational reasons, such as laziness and incompetence, for missing the Madoff scandal and other egregious financial ethics issues (e.g. Goldman Sachs). ——— Evil enterprise in 'Mayberry' The Mount Airy (N.C.) News reports that when Betty Lou Lynn, 83, got tired of being robbed in L.A. She moved to the most wholesome town she knew: "Mayberry." But this week Lynn discovered that some evils occur everywhere, even utopia. Lynn played Deputy Barney Fife's girlfriend, Thelma Lou, in the long-running and beloved "Andy Griffith Show." After being robbed several times in Los Angeles, the retired actress moved in 2007 to Mount Airy, N.C., the real life town that inspired the fictional town of Mayberry in the series. The Mount Airy News says that on Sunday Lynn's wallet was swiped in a local department store. The alleged perpetrator, a Virginia man named Shirley Walter Guynn was arrested Wednesday and is being held on $10,000 bond. Surely, this signals the end of days when a man name Shirley invades Mayberry RFD to mug Barney Fife's girlfriend — without Barney there to sputter and drop his pistol while searching for his one alloted bullet and Andy to help the perpetrator repent his wicked ways with a dose of homespun wisdom. ——— Extra-curricular activities: The frat boy's version In East Lansing, Mich., home of Michigan State University, a 19-year-old college student has been arrested and released after being caught stealing a coed's panties from a dryer in a dorm laundry room. According to The Associated Press, the unnamed man is accused of other thefts, specifically 78 other underwear thefts, all thongs. One victim may press charges, and the alleged perpetrator will be tried as an adult. Prosecutors, however, are unsure if they will take this panty raid all the way to the courtroom. ——— Thank you for reading Pamville News where our motto is "The truth, at times, sounds oddly fictional." (Any bets that the thong bandit is a future SEC employee in the making? Just saying, it could happen at http:// viewnorth40.wordpress.com.)