For sale, for really

My husband John and I are in the preliminary stages of shopping for what you might describe as big ticket items. Since we have a no ticket, just stand at the window looking in, kind of budget, I've been perusing classified ads. It takes a while to find the right thing, at the right time, at the right price that way. In the meantime, sellers have kept me more than entertained with their ads. For sale, things that make me go "huh?" "I Rock": I have no idea, but if owning it makes me musically inclined or otherwise hip, I'll buy two. "Double pumper": Ummm ... a heart? For sale on the Internet, for reals? "Intake": I'm totally, just "huh?" On this one. For sale, things they didn't mean to say "Peeking ducks, huge strain": Not only do these creepy quackers stalk your chickens, but they're also big enough to waddle over and spy through your kitchen window. Hide your children, lest they be hauled away. "Radio arm saw": Fantastic! Incredible! It's an arm that's both a radio and a saw — like an Inspector Gadget appendage — a must-have for any work shop to be considered complete. "Bumper pole camper": I double checked and have been assured that this is still a family- oriented newspaper. I'll dance around the issue by letting you strip out your own bumper pole jokes. "Kid & riding horses available": Makes me wonder if the kid and the horses are a package deal, or if I could just buy a horse. Don't get me wrong, all kids are wonderful and special and blah blah blah, but c'mon, how good can this kid be — he's for sale during tax-deduction season. "Good grass hay": My god. They grew so much grass, weed, pot, smoke, reefer, toke, bhang, ganja, Mary Jane, Marley Magic herb they had to bale it? That'll get them 10 to 20 in the state penal institution, slammer, cell, pen, clink, pokey, stocks, joint — oops, don't call it that last one — that's what got 'em in the hoosegow in the first place. "Big wench w/ cables": This is like a dating service ad. "Single Farming Male seeks large hunk of woman who's big enough to work, has a 4wd pickup and stout cables to get the tough jobs done. Send photo of cables ... and pickup ... and biceps." For sale, actual products Mechanical plug transplanter: I know it's for transplanting seedlings. But honestly, when you read the item name didn't you picture some Medieval, spikey, metal device strapped to some guy's head. The TV ad would show him slowly turning a big crank, causing the large metal spikes to reach like spider legs toward his scalp where they yank out hair plugs and transplant them into the bald spot at his temple, while the voice-over guy says, "The Pluginator, beating baldness since the Dark Ages." Postal jeep: What a great excuse when you get pulled over for reckless driving. "Dude, cop, sir, it wasn't me. This dang jeep went all postal on me. I grabbed hold of the steering wheel and wrestled him into submission before he could do any more damage. Oh, you want my address so you know where to send my heroic commendation medal? What do you mean, you're not amused?" Ice Hogger: Admittedly, I thought at first this was a word choice problem. "Auger," "hogger," I see how it could happen. Imagine my delight to find that Ice Hogger is an ice auger brand name. I don't even ice fish, but now I totally want one of these bad boys. "Heifer bull": I'm reasonably certain they're selling a bull with genetics suitable for breeding heifers. However, they make it sound like he's a crossdressing bull who struts his bootylicious stuff around the herd, not getting any manly business done with the cows. In which case, they might as well make him a heifer steer and save everyone from lost time and disappointment. (For sale: Inanities, 12 for the price of a dozen at http:// viewnorth40.wordpress.com.)