Mission impossible: Jury duty

"Good morning, Ms. Burke, "U.S. District Court, District of Montana, is conducting a federal criminal trial April 5, 2010. This trial proceeding requires the fair and impartial participation of a 12-member jury and one alternate in accordance with the U.S. Constitution's Sixth Amendment. As a U.S. citizen, you are hereby summoned to appear as a member of the pool of possible jurors duly qualified to serve jury duty by citizenship and proven ability to sit for long periods of time. "As always, should you or any of your fellow jury prospects be disabled or killed, or o the rwi s e fai l t o appear at the appointed place and time, the judge will disavow any knowledge of implied gratitude for your participation as a juror and immediately issue a warrant for your arrest. "Please dispose of this letter in the usual manner, or you will selfdestruct in five seconds." And thus I was summoned to federal jury duty in Great Falls. Cue the "Mission Impossible" theme's opening flute trill and the brass section, duhnt-duhnt-dehndihn, duhnt-duhnt-dohn-duhn ... . As the federal Probable Jury Duty Missions Force assembled its dossier of potential jurors, I gathered my tools of jury trade (laundered and packed five days' worth of big-girl, respectable clothes i n accordance with my internal momcritic channeled from my youth: "You're not going to wear that are you?") and made ready to complete my civil mission (cleaned house in case I got killed or, more likely, thrown in jail for contempt of court after opening my big fat mouth at an inappropriate time). In the weary predawn hours of the court-ordered day, I said goodbye to my husband, dog and horses like I was leaving for my own trial and grudgingly made my way the 120 miles to District Court, arriving at the court-ordered time (no thanks to Google maps who is officially fired from official mission map maker status). My responsible juror disguise was in order and fully functional. After recovery from the stripsearch entry into the federal building, the 60-some other potential jurors and I viewed a 20 minute welcome-to-jury-duty inspirational video, starring justices Sandra Day O'Connor, retired, and Samuel Alito. Not normally a sucker for what I call rah-rah propaganda, I was surprisingly moved by the civil-duty rhetoric. This feeling of civil-duty pride was magnified by federal judge Sam Haddon's pre-selection process remarks telling us such information as: Montana federal courts' better than 90 percent turnout for jury duty is among the nation's highest. This is true even in the Great Falls federal court region which is one of the nation's largest, stretching from Glacier County to the North Dakota border. And a potential juror from, say, Plentywood has to drive 425 miles to serve on a jury. I so totally stopped whining in my head about the 120 miles I drove that morning. Thus primed and ready for the jury duty, I felt like a lottery winner when my name was called to have me sit as the last panel member of the 32 potential jurors. Score! I thought as I straightened my responsible adult disguise and took my place among the elite in the jury box. (FYI, during the break, I was court-organized first in line for the snack bar in the jurors' court-appointed kitchen. Score, for sure.) I dutifully answered questions from the judge, prosecuting attorney and defense attorney to the best of my knowledge and ability, sitting there being good, being adult, working that responsible citizen disguise for all it was worth. Then they rejected me. Can you believe it? I actually wanted to serve jury duty, and they kicked me out of the jury box. Thanks for your time, Ms. Burke, but you're not worthy. Go home. The End. Picture me in the final freeze frame of this "Courtroom Mission: Fail" episode. My image is captured mid-stride, a tear of dejection glistens in the corner of my eye. The central Montana wind tugs at a white badge pinned to my lapel. A close examination of the badge reveals the wording, "I drove 120 miles to render a fair and impartial verdict, and all I got was this stupid juror badge." (Fair and impartial fly out the window at http://viewnorth40.wordpress. com.)