Pamville News in short shorts

Here at Pamville News we stand four-square against the real news (don't tell the editor) and all the mundane, factual information contained therein. Reporters insist on adding a bunch of, y'know, researched and articulated information after the headline and, really, all they need is a good subhead under the title to summarize the blah blah blah. To start off the new year right Pamville News is bringing you the real news summarized in short with our enlightening subheads. Health • "Tips to slim down and save money" (msnbc.com) Eat less — doh! • "Controversial mammogram guidelines rebutted" (msnbc.com) Doctors, cancer survivors suggest guidelines be reboobed instead • "Diet changes: Flipping the switch is only the first step" (msnbc.com) Electroshock therapy jump starts dieting success • "Hassle-free dieting" (foxnews. Com) and "Weight training without weights" (foxnews.com) How fat became the new thin • "Wrong spoon size can cause serious medical mishaps" (msnbc.com) Woman suffers severe lip injury from silverware incident — uses serving ladle to eat cereal Entertainment • "Battery charge dismissed against Gerard Butler" (msnbc.com) Actor said the jolt was worse than a tasing Science/Technology • "Ancient fossil may solve baleen whale mystery" (msnbc. Com) Lead researcher claims it was the killer whale in the library with the coral stick • "Men know it when aroused, women may not" (msnbc.com) Male anatomy points to explanation • "Freak accident: Train crashes into hotel" (abcnews.com) Faulty GPS unit told engineer to take a left off main track • "Sin City heats up for annual gadget show" (abcnews.com) (Ewwww, no subhead, just cover your kids' eyes and move along) National • "Suspicious bags cause airport scare" (msnbc.com) Airport goes on high-alert after three sisters beat up an airport security guard while yelling 'Bags! Were you talking to us?' • "Giant tuna fetches $177,000 at fish auction" (msnbc.com) Stunned spectator exclaims: 'My dog won't even fetch a stick from across the yard!' • "Snow boosts pizza deliveries" (cnn. Com) Storks mark calendars for other deliveries in nine months • "Cops leave ransom note for pot plants — marijuana growing suspect calls police, is arrested" (abcnews.com) Lawyer claims client called wrong number to order takeout food for munchies, dude Political • "Why Obama should meet with Cheney" (newsweek.com) Secret service chief urges Obama to do more target practice • "Ron Paul takes aim at Cheney" (cnn.com) Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting former Vps Financial • "The Bernard Madoff story" (cnbc.com) A good Ponzi scheme gone bad — and the man whose guilt inspired himself to live a lavish lifestyle • "Why won't Warren Buffet give Kraft a free hand?" (cnbc.com) How Warren Buffet became one of the richest men in the world Regional • "Support builing in Congerss for mining reform" (Elko Daily Free Press) Elko, Nev., reporters charged with spelling violations, ordered to get hooked on phonics • "Bozeman might lift ban on rotating barber poles" (Bozeman Daily Chronicle) City Council still sitting, spinning on decision • "Bozeman might lift ban on rotating barber poles" (Bozeman Daily Chronicle) Council Oks stripper poles in unanimous decision • "Ponies take down Eagles, Scotties" (Havre Daily News) While wild horse debate continues in Congress, captured equines getting aggressive toward other species Thank you for reading Pamville News where our motto is "Fact is just fantasy waiting to be validated." (Facts, we don't need no stinkin' facts at http://www.viewfromthenorth40. com.)