The world according to shark

An article from The Associated Press Monday ("New Zealand teen fights off shark") reported that a 14-yearold girl got bit by what specialist believe was a broad-nosed seven gill shark. The girl, Lydia Ward, and her brother were in waist-deep water along Oreti Beach on New Zealand's South Island when the attack occurred. The shark bit through the girl's wet suit, its teeth penetrating her skin. And then she clubbed the tar out of the shark with her body board, driving it away before she was even hurt badly enough to need stitches. I know what you're thinking. Good on ya, little sheila, for being so brave and resourceful! You're right, of course. That was a tough thing to do, both physically and mentally and young Lydia Ward should be commended for her actions. Not to dismiss her heroism, but what about the shark? If you're thinking vengeful thoughts about him, you ought to take a moment to consider his plight. Maybe he didn't mean to hurt the girl at all. Maybe he's a hardworking schlep who deserves a little sympathy. Maybe he stopped at The Tuna Bar and Lounge on the way home to nurse his wounds and had to face his buddies with the evidence of his humiliation bludgeoned across his broadnosed face. This had to be hard. He has feelers too, y'know. His buddies probably all greeted him at the door like, "Hey, Norm! How's it floatin', man? Whoa, dude! What happened to your face?" And you know, eventually, he was going to have to tell them that he was beat up by a girl. He'd be trying to be all cool about it with some big fish tale, "Yeah, we got a report at the station of some dolphins harassing the tourists on South Island, panhandling for sardines. I was cruising the beat along Oreti Beach when—" "Oreti! Sharka- delic, I heard there was a human attack down there! Did ya see it?" "Oh, wow, um. You heard about that? Yeah, I, uh, saw this human there. Its body was being suffocated by this rubbery material, and it didn't have a flotation device or an oxygen supply — you know how they die so easily in our atmosphere. Anywho, I noted all this in, like, a split second and then went into action with the reflexes of a barracuda. Bam! I grabbed her and started dragging her back to shore. But this human was huge, and she kind of freaked—" "Huge?! Dude, I heard it was a little girl, like, little little." "Little girl? Naw. She was a whale of human, abnormally oversized. You know how their food has growth hormones. She was a freakish giant, yeah, and—" "'Freakish giant'? Norm, you codliver. You were beat up by a human youngling. You're the freak!" "No, no, no. There's no beat up about it. That giant freak had a fit, like a uh crazy fit, like with the adrenalin of the, y'know, woohoo not quite right in the brain pan scary fit. "Sure, Norm. Ha hah haw! Woohoo, watch out! There's a human baby crawling to get you! Ha haw haw." "Shut up. You guys're a bunch of blowholes." Thus, due to this 14-year-old girl's so-called heroic actions, the poor shark lost his job on beach patrol, and I think we should all show a little compassion. (I am waiting to be eaten by the world's first freshwater shark at http://viewnorth40. Wordpress.com.)