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Pamville News: iDiscrimination

Ever diligent about bringing the latest fabricated news to the public, Pamville News reporters have digitally and editorially re-mastered announcements about the Apple iPad scheduled for release into the wilds. Saturday, Apple Computer Inc. is debuting its new handheld computer Apple iPad. Steve Jobs, Apple's head cheese, announced in January the forthcoming iPad. The early announcement gave Apple time to build the hype for its product, allowed prospective buyers time to save money for the pricey googaw (yes, that's industry standard terminology), and every comedian, satirist and fourth-rate humor columnist with a local newspaper gig an extended opportunity to skewer Apple for their unfortunate choice for a product name. In this new era in which corporations are under attack for everything from their CEO compensation largesse to their part in the global economic crisis and being "the Man" who is keeping the general-public "Me" down, various groups have hired lawyers to "stick it to the man." The Apple Man. Taking a hint from California which is suing Toyota for, as the suit says, knowingly hawking faulty vehicles to the stylish people of the totally hip state of California, members of three activists groups have united to file a class action discrimination suit against Apple over the iPad name. In the lawsuit, the Women Against Corporate Oppression claim that the name is a slight toward their gender, which is already underrepresented in the technology industry. Those WACOs also say that it serves as proof that the Apple corporation actively keeps women from the company's upper echelon, such as the product naming division. As evidence, the WACOs cite in the suit the fact that "no woman would ever, ever, name a computer after a feminine hygiene product. Never." A group spokeswoman said, "Honestly? IPad? Are they kidding me? Do they use a tampon for a stylus?" The Senior Citizens against Agist Motives are seeking monetary compensation for their members' pain and suffering, saying in the suit that iPad refers to the adult diapers many of their constituents need to wear due to age-related incontinence. The group says that the handheld computer's misnomer excludes already technologyleery seniors from benefiting from the technology by poking fun at the seniors' physical condition. A spokesman for the SCAMmers said, "Modern technology already moves at 3 gazillion times the speed of our oldest members of society, now it is thumbing its nose at us as it zooms by. That ain't right." The third group in the class action suit, Pet Owners Organization for Humaneness, claims that the iPad name stigmatizes small dog owners who use absorbency pads for their dogs to use like litter boxes. POOH members pooh-pooh Apple's word choice saying that small dog owners already work hard to fight the image of their mini-canines as the poster pets for bad jokes. Witnesses say that when Bill Gates, founder of Apple's technology rival Microsoft Corp., heard about Apple's legal dilemma, he laughed uproariously and said, "iThink it's iGreat! Go WACOs, SCAMmers and POOH-poohers!" In response, Jobs told Pamville reporters, "The man who so-called invented the PC — the so-called personal computer — that's regularly accessed by hackers the world, ought to shut his pie-chart hole." Thank you for reading Pamville News where our motto is "If the truth hurts, soothe yourself with a hearty dose of make believe." (Inanities, 12 for the price of a dozen at http://viewnorth40. Wordpress.com.)

 

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