Miracle of modern menopause

Of all the miraculous advances in medicine that could be made, such as curing cancer, re-growing nerves and producing a medical marijuana plant that doesn't attract law enforcement, scientists at the European fertility conference in Rome reported that they now can use a blood test to predict the onset of menopause.

That's fabulous. Earth shattering really. Thanks guys. Now women all over the world can plan ahead to be miserable.

Seriously, most women like to plan — even I like to plan. I could sit around all day planning to get something done, so planning ahead for menopause would be a real treat. I could spend years putting off everything else to plan all the little details about my future menopausal misery. Shoot, if they'd discovered this early enough I could've planned for decades.

Still, I think in the years I have left to wait for hot flashes and mood swings I'm sure I could work out a lot of details for which I would need to be prepared well in advance.

Like a wardrobe of easily strippable layers to accommodate both the average ambient temperature and the spiking hormone-induced personal temperature.

There's also a hairdo to consider. It has to look good even sweat dampened. And, of course, there's food to worry about because I'm sure I'll have to wean myself off the spicy hot foods, so I don't, like, eat a jalapeño just before a hot flash and have the resulting personal heat wave fry the emotion-control circuit on my brain's mother board. It could happen.

I'm sure I need to plan for some health-related stuffs.

They're probably gross or demeaning, whatever. I'll take care of them later. That's why I have years of planning ahead.

Or, well, I assume I have years since I haven't really taken the test and, therefore, don't know how much menopause pre-planning I have.

Despite my personal ideas about the purpose of the test, and despite the fact that I'm totally shocked to be wrong, the scientists said that planning for future hormonal misery is not their main purpose.

According to the June 27, 2010, article "Scientists say test could predict menopause" by Maria Cheng of The Associated Press, the Iranian researchers who developed the testing procedures said that the value of the test lies in helping women as young as their 20s predict when they'll lose their fertility and, therefore, when they should plan to have children.

Now, that last sentence was really long, so the main point might have gotten lost. Here it is in a nutshell: The researchers were from Iran.

Yes, Iran, the same country where a leading cleric said in April that promiscuous women — those who don't keep their heads covered in public — cause earthquakes. Yes, earthquakes.

So while women, such as myself, all around the world might appreciate a simple blood test to help them prepare for the ecstatic misery of childbearing and the inevitable misery of menopause, perhaps the researchers should next work on a test to aid their fellow countrymen.

A blood test to predict a woman's promiscuity-fueled earthquake capacity.

They could, like, combine the menopause blood test and the Richter Scale into a sort of Richt-o-pause Scale, if you will.

Think of the lives it would save if a simple blood test could target a fertile, bare-headed woman whose earthquake capacity is, say, 7.2. At that intensity, the she-quake could wipe out everything for miles around and the resulting tsunami could wreak devastation on several continents.

Imagine that same woman's destructive powers during a hot flash.

It could mean the end of the Earth as we know it.

With a Richt-o-pause blood test, women could plan ahead for children and plan further ahead for a post-child-bearing reign of destruction. Or to save the planet by having copious amounts of dark chocolate on hand to sooth their savage, menopausal beast.