News you can use
News you can use
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Pamville News Editor's Note: The April Pamville News, featuring the month's truecrime stories, is brought you by the letter E. ——— Economica Erotica: Greek for business as unusual In November 2008, an unsuspecting U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission released its regular biannual internal audit report of the good, the bad and the "what were you thinking" deeds of its agency. New York-based Ponzi scheme king Bernie Madoff was watching his financial empire crumble. And, because of their own poor financial practices, U.S....
My husband, John, loves a good hearty debate. He's always ready to jump into the middle of a topic, disassemble it, analyze it and blah blah blah about it. I can see the attraction, but serious thoughts have a very limited shelf life in my head. He's generally lucky if I have enough focus for one, maybe two, deep comments and then a few jokes before the issue goes stale for me. At best, I get excited enough to start making things up about a topic and that keeps it fresh for quite a while — like the crisper drawer for v...
I would personally like to thank the folks at Netherlands Institute for Neuroscience for creeping me out with the latest distressing brain information. In the Feb. 16 Discover News online at news.discover.com, Cristen Conger reports that researchers from the Netherlands Institute ran brain scans on gobs of different people and found that the people in the study who have chronic insomnia also have decreased levels of gray matter. In other words, chronic insomniacs, such as myself, have diminished brains like shriveled gray rai...
New York City is not without its western-related travails. It seems that the NYC street entertainer who calls himself the Naked Cowboy (but isn't) is suing another street performer who has started a similar, bawdier, street show under the name Naked Cowgirl (though she isn't either). The Naked Cowboy, whose given name is Robert Burck, has been a popular fixture in Times Square for 10 years singing and playing guitar dressed only in cowboy boots and hat and a pair of briefs. He has also trademarked and franchised his Naked...
An April 19 article from The Associated Press about the ramifications of women's fashion in Iran has slipped under the international radar, but I'm here to blow the lid off of this amazing revelation. In Iran, one of the world's most earthquake-prone countries, women are required by law to conceal their entire bodies under scarves and draped clothing, called hijab, when in public. However, some women, most notably young sassy women, disregard the law and wear revealing clothes, like tight coats and scarves loose enough to...
In international politics this week, the news is that civilized debate in Taiwan's parliament erupted into a riotous brawl between at least 70 members of opposing parties. In the U.S. the big political news is that Scott Brown of Massachusetts was elected to represent his state in the Senate, turning the late Sen. Ted Kennedy's seat from a Democratic vote to a Republican one. The only brawl over this situation so far is a flurry of nannyboo- booing between the two major parties. Republicans claim their election success is a...
In various cultures over the ages owls have symbolized everything from good fortune and wisdom to impending disaster or death. And, of course, in recent decades a whole new generation of Harry Potter-loving children worldwide believes owls are the mysterious harbingers of mail delivery. In the world of me, the owl has, since my childhood, been a symbol of spring. I know, right? It seems incongruous that one person's haunting death-omen is another person's promise of excitement. It's not as bad as it sounds. The spring I...
Cooper, the scourge of wild cottontail bunnies, had to be coaxed and towed into the vet's office last week for his annual vaccinations. I felt bad for the little dude. It's hard to maintain your dignity, let alone look like the scourge of anything except dust bunnies when you're stuffing yourself under a chair in the doctor's waiting room. I'm almost absolutely positive he hates going to the doctor for the same reason I do: the scale. Seriously, why do doctors of every persuasion have to weigh you every time you walk in the...
Through personal experience, I can tell you this: It's not so much the realization that the ground is moving under your foot as it is the keen moment of understanding that the buzzing noise is a rattlesnake telling you to get your fat foot off him that really kicks in the adrenaline overdose. The good news is that the adrenaline allows you to jump a full 6 feet, twisting in the air to land facing the immediate threat of death by venom. The adrenaline rush works the same way for a dog too. This being my first snake encounter,...
My husband John and I are in the preliminary stages of shopping for what you might describe as big ticket items. Since we have a no ticket, just stand at the window looking in, kind of budget, I've been perusing classified ads. It takes a while to find the right thing, at the right time, at the right price that way. In the meantime, sellers have kept me more than entertained with their ads. For sale, things that make me go "huh?" "I Rock": I have no idea, but if owning it makes me musically inclined or otherwise hip, I'll buy...
All salesmanship has a language that must be decoded by the buyer. For example, when house shopping, "fixer-upper" means the house is a giant, financesucking vortex. Either take out three mortgages right away or pass it by. "Quaint" means the rooms are so small you'll have to go outside to change your clothes, and none of the walls are square — much like the walls in a house of illusion and they'lle mess with your mind. If you're car shopping, then avoid the "low mileage, mint condition" vehicle. It's a lemon. It's been on t...
Lately, I've had cause to wade in the deeper end of the intellectual puddle. Despite my preference for shallower thoughts, I've been contemplating more philosophical and theological topics than usual — searching for answers to the most profound question of all, the first question in a person's life and the first question in all the universe: Why? Specifically, I want to know: Why has all this stupid shinola been happening to me? Specificallier (and this only a partial list, from only the last two weeks): One of my horses k...
Growing up in a family of height-endowed people, I decided early on that I wanted to grow to be at least 5-feet, 10-inches tall to maintain familial standing, so to speak. My cousin Laura hit 6-feet, so it wasn't an unreasonable aspiration, biologically anyway. By the time I started junior high, my height prospects were bright. I was taller than most of the boys in my class, and I wore size 9 ½ shoes. Feet of that magnitude on an 11-year-old girl held a promise of height-riches untold. I still recall the tragic day in high...
Reuters news agency reported Feb. 10 in the article "Grumpy workers: Let's not 'touch base'" that a recent survey in London revealed the top ten things that annoy office workers the most. 1. Grumpy or moody colleagues 2. Slow computers 3. Small talk/gossip in the office 4. The use of office jargon or management-speak 5. People speaking loudly on the phone 6. Too much health and safety in the work place 7. Poor toilet etiquette 8. People not turning up for meetings on time or at all 9. People not tidying up after themselves...
"Good morning, Ms. Burke, "U.S. District Court, District of Montana, is conducting a federal criminal trial April 5, 2010. This trial proceeding requires the fair and impartial participation of a 12-member jury and one alternate in accordance with the U.S. Constitution's Sixth Amendment. As a U.S. citizen, you are hereby summoned to appear as a member of the pool of possible jurors duly qualified to serve jury duty by citizenship and proven ability to sit for long periods of time. "As always, should you or any of your fellow...
Here at Pamville News we stand four-square against the real news (don't tell the editor) and all the mundane, factual information contained therein. Reporters insist on adding a bunch of, y'know, researched and articulated information after the headline and, really, all they need is a good subhead under the title to summarize the blah blah blah. To start off the new year right Pamville News is bringing you the real news summarized in short with our enlightening subheads. Health • "Tips to slim down and save money" (...
Recently, the www.idahostatesman. com news website reported the death of Richard Zimmerman, a man whose life had nothing to do with high finance, high society, high-speed Internet or most standard trappings of our modern world — including telephones, electricity and running water. I did not know the man, but wish I had. Zimmerman, better known as Dugout Dick, died April 21, 2010, at the age of 94 from natural causes in the cave-built house he called home. Dugout Dick, according to the article, was the last of a community o...
Pamville News reporters have scoured the latest news to shine a light on recent criminal activities and torture every last drop of fiction from the events. Robbery to go A masked robber with a gun walked up to the drive-through window at a Wendy's in Atlanta, demanded to be given the cash drawer and ran away with it into the night, says a report from The Associated Press on Sunday. But, times being tough, the robber was unhappy with his small take of $586, so he called the fast food restaurant to complain. Twice. "What did...
Pamville News brings you the latest entertainment headlines dressed up and bedazzled in fiction accessories. ——— • In another display of Hollywood's love of all things retro, Warner Bros. And Atlas Entertainment have announced their intent to stage a do-over for "Gilligan's Island." Variety magazine reports that the contemporary treatment of the '60s classic sitcom is scheduled to be released on the big screen in 2011. Parents and grandparents everywhere are excited to introduce a new generation to the light-hearted "Lost" of...
Ever diligent about bringing the latest fabricated news to the public, Pamville News reporters have digitally and editorially re-mastered announcements about the Apple iPad scheduled for release into the wilds. Saturday, Apple Computer Inc. is debuting its new handheld computer Apple iPad. Steve Jobs, Apple's head cheese, announced in January the forthcoming iPad. The early announcement gave Apple time to build the hype for its product, allowed prospective buyers time to save money for the pricey googaw (yes, that's industry...
